unknownballad | [ archived ] Open RP Post

"I'm sorry. You're right." For trying to tell Yohan what to do when he knows better. It's just important to him that Yohan knows that he's no longer a danger to himself. He no longer harbours those sorts of thoughts It's important to him that, since Yohan insists on worrying about him, those worries not be burdensome. Give Yohan as little to worry about as possible. He doesn't need to disrupt Yohan's life anymore than he already is.

Hayun starts to shift on the bed, though he's very careful to stay exactly as close to Yohan as he is right now. It's nice. It's comfortable. It's what's helping to slow the flow of tears. He rolls onto his back and rubs at his eyes, trying to dry them. He's so tried of crying -- he's so tired from crying -- and he'd just like to stop. Please. He can't keep doing this. He turns his head toward the dark shape wrapped around him, and then rolls onto his side to face it. It's so warm and present. It's bringing life to a place that feels so cold an empty on nights like tonight, when Hayun really starts to feel just how alone in the world he really is. Was.

Reaching up with one hand, Hayun feels around for his phone to turn the flashlight on as well as down a little so the light isn't quite so bright. Then he just drops it back onto the bed above both of their heads, leaving it shining up at the ceiling. It doesn't illuminate much, but it does ward off the total darkness Hayun had them laying in previously. He's not ready for Yohan to fully see him yet but he's getting there. Little by little.

"I don't have to but I want to. Please." He appreciates everything Yohan's been doing for him. The nice dinners and offer to send him to college. Helping him get his camera fixed. Showing up whenever Hayun needs him. Just being someone in his life he can count on. Thanking Yohan feels like the absolute least he can do.

"You seem like someone I can trust." Thank you.

"I am someone you can trust. But anyone can say that. I plan to prove it." To keep proving it if he hasn't already. As if being here, now isn't proof. But it's not Yohan's place to decide whether or not Hayun trusts him. He can do what he can to push the boy in the direction, but it's his choice at the end of it.

But this is a good start. That Hayun called him, not a friend closer to his own age, not anyone else. That he didn't want to sit here alone in the dark. That he reached out of the dark for Yohan.

"I want to be someone you trust, Hayun."

In ways both large and small, Yohan has already been proving that he's someone Hayun can trust. He's proving himself to be a worthwhile person, someone good to have in Hayun's life. He's quickly cementing himself as someone Hayun can depend on. Deep down, Hayun knows he shouldn't do that. He shouldn't depend too much on someone he's still getting to know, someone who could decide he's done with him one day and leave. And yet the only person he wanted to call when he had a bad day was Yohan. The only person he wanted to stop lying to was Yohan.

This could be the beginning of something good, or it could be really bad. There's no in between.

"I want you to be someone I trust too."

"I'll keep working to prove that I am." In the end, only Hayun decides who Hayun trusts. Yohan can read the clues and signs, but the only person who'll ever know for sure is Hayun. That's simply how it is with other people. You never know their absolute truth.

Usually awe is enough. Usually sweeping up some unprotected boy into his life, showing them a world they've never known is enough. And, until a few moments ago, it was enough here, too. But seeing this, seeing how Hayun lives, how he fights the darkest battles along to keep what's important to him. Well, Yohan isn't much different at his core, is he?

Now that Hayun's moved and put a soft light one, Yohan shimmies closer, pulling Hayun closer. Even with the light, he's looking over the boy's head. He said he wouldn't look at him and he's a man of his word. Until Hayun tells him it's okay, he won't.

"You can call me whenever you need someone, Hayun."

Even for Hayun, even very recently, he thought that awe might win him over in the end. He got so caught up in all the glitz and glamour of being in Yohan's orbit rather quickly. Getting to see how the rich live, getting to see a life he never could've imagined. It would've been so easy, but he's glad that he waited so he could see this Yohan. The one that's more than his money and power. Basing the future of his relationship with Yohan on that awe wouldn't have been fair to either of them.

This Yohan, though, this is the kind of person who Hayun could see himself developing a real relationship with. Real and deep and meaningful.

When Yohan tugs him closer, Hayun curls in against him. He presses his face to the man's chest and tucks his hands in between their bodies. This feels like everything that's been missing from his life. This feels like comfort. It feels like belonging. It feels like someone to help lighten the load of some of Hayun's worries, so he isn't crushed beneath them. Not someone to relieve him of his worries and burdens (he needs to take those on himself. He needs to deal with them himself. He can't put them on someone else. He needs to be responsible) but someone to talk to about them.

Is it really okay to put that all on one person? To put all of his eggs in one basket, so to speak? He shouldn't do it, but he wants to. Needs to. He can't keep doing all of this completely alone. Hayun nods against the man's chest and answers in a quiet, muffled voice. "I'll call you whenever I need you. Someone. I'll call you whenever I need someone."

The awe is usually wants keeps his boys around. But they grow bored of it, as does he. They see some of the world, some parts they could never reach without him, and then they want to explore for themselves. They want to find their place in it. While he's in direct contact with very few of them (only Taraga, really), he does try to facilitate them finding themselves. He'd help any of them if they asked. None ever have.

But Hayun is trusting him with a deep secret: that he's well and truly alone in the world. Completely on his own at such a tender age. And he's not asking for Yohan to pay his bills or take care of this house. He's asking him to listen to his secret, to share in his worries. It's jarring. It's jarring and it warms in a way he didn't anticipate.

"Any time, day or night." There's very little he couldn't walk out of at a moment's notice if Hayun asked for him. "Say it back to me, Hayun-ah. Any time, day or night."

Hayun is trusting Yohan with his secret, and his secret is everything. He's too young to be living on his own, still young enough to end up in the system. Too young to maintain a household. Too young to be paying for a house or figuring out bills (which ones can he get away with partially paying and which ones can he get away with not paying at all for that month. Which ones require his immediate attention). He shouldn't have to be trying to figure out ways to stretch meals. A kid his age should not have to take on so much responsibility but it was foisted upon him so he's doing his best with it. He's doing his best to hang on to everything he has left. All on his own. With no one's help. And letting the wrong person know that's what he's been doing is dangerous. It could easily lead to him losing everything.

So he's trusting Yohan with everything. He doesn't want help to pay his bills or maintain his house, he just wants Yohan to keep his secret and to hold him like this when he feels like he's falling apart.

"Any time, day or night. I'll call you whenever I need you. Any time. Day or night."

"Good boy," he praises quietly, lifting a hand to card his fingers gently in Hayun's long pastel hair. That's easy to do in the dim light without looking at him.

Hayun's pretty extraordinary, isn't he? Handling so much on his own, never reaching out for fear of losing what he has. Yohan felt like the once upon a time. He's cultivated a little trust since then and, he thinks, it's gone a long way in making his life better. Having others to confide it, it's important.

"Thank you for trusting me with this."

It hasn't been easy. Of course it hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been painfully difficult, every step of the way. Not just everything he's had to take on in order to keep what he has, but the fact that he's had to keep it all to himself. He's had to keep all of his struggles buried deep where they wouldn't accidentally bubble up to the surface. He's had to keep acting like everything is fine when his whole world is continuously trying to fall apart around him. So often, he's thought of what a relief it would be if he just had someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. Someone to help lighten his emotional load a little.

Now he has Yohan. He has Yohan to help him test the theory that being able to even just talk to someone will make a world of difference. He doesn't need any other help. Just this. Just someone who'll listen. Someone who'll talk to him. Just... someone.

Hayun nods his head against Yohan as a fresh wave of tears start. It's not entirely pained sobs this time, however, but mostly relief. Relief and comfort. It's because of how good it feels that someone knows, and how good it feels to have someone here. The feeling of having an actual warm body wrapped around his instead of tangling himself up in a blanket and imagining it's his grandfather holding him after he's had a bad day. There's an actual person here holding him and running their fingers through his hair. There's an actual person here, allowing him to be the hurt kid he couldn't truly allow himself to be since before his grandparents passed.

For a little while, he can hand off the reins of 'responsible adult' to someone else. It feels good.

"I just- You're welcome." Thank you for seeming like a trustworthy person. "I wasn't ever going to tell you," he admits softly, pulling his face away from Yohan's chest just enough so his voice isn't muffled. "I was going to keep it to myself until you eventually left me too, because everyone leaves me." They didn't leave. They died. "But then you showed up tonight. I didn't ask you to, but you showed up. That... I don't know. It made things different."

Hayun pulls his face back even further so he can look up at Yohan in the dim light of his cellphone. "You can look at me now. If you want."

He's glad Hayun trusted him. And he'll respect that Hayun isn't asking for any intervention on his behalf. He's asking for someone to be there to support him emotionally. Until that need changes, Yohan will be happy to simply listen when Hayun's having troubles. He'll be there when Hayun needs someone.

Because it's okay now, Yohan looks at Hayun's face. Drawn, tear-stained, still worn down but also, somehow lighter than it seemed when he first arrived. Yohan holds the boy's face in his hands, meets his eyes.

"Whenever it's possible, I will be here. There are times when it won't be possible. That's a reality. But whenever it is, I'll be here for you."

Hayun has a system. It's far from perfect but it's the best that he could come up with for keeping him in this house as long as possible. Intervention could possibly help him stay in this house longer. It could help him away from his flawed but serviceable system. It could improve things. But intervention could also improve things beyond Hayun's ability to maintain it financially. It could disrupt his system in such a way that he's never able to get back on track. Hayun can't let himself rely on anyone but Hayun. What if he starts to rely on someone else and they disappear? He can't take that risk. Not with his family home.

The financial burden, he can deal with. Enough. He can deal with it enough. It's the emotional burden that he needs the help with. His finances, he can do something about. There's a tangible solution. Emotions are harder. That's what he needs help with. Coming home from school and crying himself to sleep every so often isn't productive. It's short term relief but not a long term solution. Hopefully, that's where Yohan comes in. Someone to talk to. Someone to vent to and share some of that emotional burden with. He doesn't need Yohan's wallet, just his ear. Maybe a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

"Whenever possible," he agrees, his voice a little shaky. He holds Yohan's gaze for no more than a few seconds before averting his own. Just because he said Yohan could look at him now, that doesn't mean he wants to see Yohan looking at him. His red eyes and his puffy, splotchy face. Ugh. "I don't expect you to drop everything. You have a whole life outside of me and I don't want to get in the way of that." But, whenever possible, Yohan will be there for him.

“Hayun-ah,” he says very firmly, even as he runs his hand through the boy’s hair. “You’re a part of my life. An important one. I’ll do whatever I can for you when I can. I don’t want to make any promises I know I won’t be able to keep.”

His is a dangerous line of work. Some of the people he deals with are more like him: stable and not endlessly power hungry. Yes, growth is good, but it can’t be infinite. Yohan’s happy to spend the bulk of his energy in maintaining what he has and taking smaller, subtler steps toward expansion. But there are some who are greedy and petty, some who want it all, and some who want to see him fall just because of his success. Some are dangerously unhinged. Those aren’t the types of people Yohan can simply excuse himself from if Hayun’s having a bad day.

“I mean it when I say I will be there for you whenever it’s possible.”

Hayun begins to nod his head as Yohan speaks but it quickly tapers off into near perfect stillness. Even the rise and fall of his chest are almost imperceptible. In this moment, there's something about hearing that he's an important part of Yohan's life, being reassured that he does have a place in it, that hits him like a truck. Like this emotional transport truck just slammed into his chest. The comforting gestures, the words, it makes his eyes well up with tears once more. "I haven't been an important part of anything since I lost my grandparents..." he mutters, gaze finally returning to Yohan's face. The face of this incredible man who makes him feel less alone in the world.

"I understand," he says, speaking more clearly this time. He repeats it a few times as he scrubs at his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears that are threatening to fall. "You'll be there whenever you can." Because somethings can't wait. Somethings can't be brushed aside because some kid Yohan knows is having a rough day. It's like he said, he doesn't expect Yohan to drop everything for him. And it's not like Hayun hasn't navigated bad days on his own before. Up until tonight, he's dealt with every one of them by himself, so he can do it again. He can do it again whenever Yohan can't be there.

"Do you, um... Actually, never mind."

[ archived ] Open RP Post

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