(( Ah! All this news completely distracted Emmanuel from a much more personal matter that he feels needs to be addressed. Especially after how they woke up. ))
Hey, wait. Can you drop me at the store? I... there's something I think we should talk about.
[... oh. This may explain things. If Emmanuel also confided to Osiris, maybe they've come to some kind of conclusion about how to deal with the whole unacceptable feelings situation.]
Yeah, sure. [There's definite apprehension written all over Horus, from his posture and expression to his face, but he doesn't say anything else other than:] I'll be in the car.
[And that's where he waits, idling and listening to music to try and still his nerves.]
cw: religious stuff, maybe a tad of internal homophobia, &c
(( Emmmanuel's not far behind him. He only takes a second to gather up whatever they had in the bathroom and the food and clothes he bought for them the night before. He puts the grocery bags in the back seat (they should buy duffels or backpacks if they're going to be living out of the car) and climbs silently into the passenger seat. Folding his hands tightly in front of him, the priest takes a long breath, staring out ahead. ))
I care about you, Horus. In a way that isn't wholly correct for a man who's made the vows I have. I don't want to stop feeling it, though.
(( He turns to look at Horus, an earnest expression on his face and no little amount of conflict in his eyes. ))
I don't want to stop how I feel, but I can't act it. What's the purpose of devotion if we can simply discard the strictures we come into conflict with? I want... I need for you to understand that this...
(( He unlocks his fingers long enough to make some vague sort of wave of his hand before folding them together once more in a white-knuckled grip. ))
Sacrificing what could be between us... it isn't easy. Knowing there's something between us, knowing there could be something more... Shutting down all of that possibility isn't easy for me. Even accepting it... My faith doesn't look completely favorably on love between people of the same sex. It looks even less favorably on having such feelings for more than one person...
(( Emmanuel lowers his eyes to his clenched hands, then returns to staring straight ahead. ))
Even if confessing this to you changes what's between us, even if it destroys it... Please know that I will cherish it, you, until my dying day.
[That's a lot. Even before he comes around to the point that initially sneaks past Horus, it's a lot. He isn't nearly as emotionally intelligent as his father and he struggles with feelings that are put into words instead of actions; even when there's an innate knowledge deep in his heart that he feels the same way, that doesn't mean he can just say it back without some conflict of his own.
Emmanuel's feelings are hurting him, badly. The pain's written all over his face. But he values and cherishes them nonetheless, because... Horus is that important to him? He should feel happy, Horus knows that, but instead he feels like a ball and chain has been clamped to his heart. It's so much.
There's no real sign of how Horus is processing Emmanuel's words so far - he's also got his eyes fixed directly forward, hands resting on but not clenching the steering wheel, a slight furrow between his brows.
(( Coming from a background of monogamy, Emmanuel's sure that's the issue Horus will have. It's not correct in any way acceptable by Emmanuel's ethics. It's certainly not approved of by his society or his modern Church (despite the many Biblical examples of polyamory... Well, men with multiple wives but the point stands... somewhat).
Emmanuel bows his head, letting his eyes fall closed to prepare for what he's sure will be the end of... whatever this is. There's no sense in being coy or untruthful about it. Horus is going to see the other person in question. It's bound to come out. ))
The news hits him in a strange way - part of him thinks he should've known, but then he wonders how on earth he ever could've guessed that his dad would reciprocate those feelings, which he must if Emmanuel's bringing it to him as a similar situation. Sure, his parents haven't been exclusive for awhile, but Osiris has never shown any interest in exploring that freedom as far as Horus knows. Horus didn't even know Osiris was attracted to men.
And now he's attracted to Emmanuel? Romantically? Physically? And Emmanuel feels the same way? What does that mean, if he can't act on any of it?
Horus rubs his forehead with a rather harsh-sounding sigh.]
Wow. Uh... I guess I'm glad this can't turn into a competition. Have you - [Immediately, he thinks better of that question.] - no no, don't tell me anything else about it.
[Horus can't leave things at that, though. Emmanuel looks so, so terrified.]
I mean, you didn't really have to tell me at all. But you did. That's - I appreciate that.
(( This is so hard on all of them. And when they really need to be focused on stopping Set! What horrible timing!
Hopefully Horus is still looking straight ahead when he starts to ask, but stops himself because Emmanuel clearly winces at the question he suspect is coming. ))
I don't want to lie to you, even by omission. You deserve my honesty. And... I don't want to come between you and Osiris. That's the last thing I want for either of you.
I know, I'd never think that was something you wanted, but... it's still weird, y'know? We're so different, and Dad is -
[How does he say this without sounding fully deranged like Set? Because it's not jealousy or even envy that Horus feels toward his father, despite the insecurity that's currently eating him alive.]
- I don't know, he's probably better suited to. To this whole. Kinda thing. [Ugh, get it together, Horus! He hasn't even said anything about his own feelings, what is he doing? Emmanuel's gonna think Horus hates him or just wanted to fuck him all along!
It's the threat of that last one that finally gets Horus talking again.]
But... I hope you know it's not just. Not just a physical thing for me either. [And at last, he manages to look over at Emmanuel.]
(( Emmanuel jerks his head, twists his whole body in his seat immediately. Whatever reservations he has about this entire conversation are forgotten. ))
I know!
(( People have needs, sure, but he would never think of Horus as someone who would intentionally disrespect by pushing for something Emmanuel can't give. That's simply not the kind of person Emmanuel's come to know Horus to be. Of course he knows it's not just a physical thing! ))
(( Horus’ relief is palpable. It prompts Emmanuel to breathe out in relief, too. How awful it would be for Horus to wonder if that’s what Emmanuel thought of him! The priest is glad to put that worry to rest.
Tentatively, he reaches across the car. Not to touch anything specifically, but with his palm up in offering. ))
It’s okay. We don’t have to say anything else about it right now if you don’t want.
[It takes a moment, but Horus does eventually reach out and take Emmanuel's hand. He suddenly has the urge to ask what they are, as inane and pointless as he knows it would be - they like each other but can't really do anything about it, and Emmanuel also likes his dad? What does any of that ultimately mean?
But the thing is, even Horus has a god's ability to be patient after his long, long life to date. As long as he still gets to spend time with Emmanuel and protect him, maybe he doesn't have to ask just yet... depending on what Osiris has to say, at least.]
Um, this is probably irrelevant, but I just want you to know - there's nothing serious between me and Sobek. Like, we're close as friends, but everything else is just... [Hoo boy, does he ever not want to trigger that memory for both of them again. Gotta choose the right words here.] ... well, it's not romantic, anyway.
(( It’s another relief to Emmanuel to know they can, in fact, touch each other without igniting a blaze. He squeezes Horus’ hand very gently and offer the softest of smiles. ))
You don’t have to explain. I… I don’t want to deny you what you want or need. Especially those things that aren’t in power to give.
[Oh, the triple back handspring Horus's heart does when he feels that tender squeeze and then sees Emmanuel's face light up in a smile. Far from the heated stare that started all this, Horus's expression turns so hilariously dopey that he'd have stars or small birds circling his head if he were in a cartoon.
He's down bad. And the thing that's just now hitting him?]
You really do like me a lot, huh?
[Not smug or even teasing. Horus is utterly awestruck. All he set out to do was thaw a bit of the frost in Emmanuel's personality and look at what's happened.]
Well yeah, you can be pretty hard to read! For awhile it just seemed like I annoyed you and I didn't know if I should give up on being friends and leave you alone, or if I was doing something in particular that offended you... I asked everyone I could think of, but none of us knew much about priests and Catholicism and all that until you came along, so...
[Midway through that severe case of verbal diarrhea, it finally occurs to Horus that he might want to be embarrassed by how badly he wanted to win Emmanuel over early on. His voice trails off into silence and he looks away, his cheeks and ears turning red.]
... I guess what I mean is, I never really assume I know what's going on with you.
(( He lowers his eyes subtly, a quiet hum following. Yes, he probably is hard to read due to a combination of training and personal tragedy. Mostly the former. It's easier for monsters to manipulate him if they can read what he's feeling or thinking clearly. Maybe that's the curse of his bloodline: never being able to trust anyone enough to let them close. ))
I'm sorry for that. It isn't easy for me to open to others.
[That's when Horus actually considers the sum totality of what Emmanuel's dealing with right now: he's a priest who seemed to think he felt no real desire at all but has now fallen for two different gods outside of the one he swore his life to, and those two gods happen to be father and son, and the father's brother is gunning for his life partially because of those feelings.
Horus can't help it. He bursts out laughing.]
Okay, yeah, it's way weirder for you. Holy shit. I'm not sorry you're here, but I'm so sorry we did this to your life.
[His mirth dims to a softer sort of fondness at Emmanuel's confused reaction.]
I guess I just mean that I don't like the idea of making things any harder for you than they already are. [It's much the same sentiment Emmanuel shared with Osiris - Horus would just like for life and the world to be kinder to him.] But like I said, I'm no good at talking about this stuff.
[He might've forgotten what they came out here for, if only for a moment.
Without sparing a single thought for the wisdom of such an act, Horus lifts Emmanuel's hand to his mouth and kisses the back of it lightly before letting go to start the car. At least Horus's attention will be on driving while Emmanuel reacts?]
(( To anyone else who knows Horus as Emmanuel does, that would seem like an exceedingly chaste but romantic gesture. But this is Emmanuel. Emmanuel who is now doing his very best impression of a ripe tomato. He might have actually exploded if Horus hadn't released his hand immediately. As it is, he simply sits there in silence, staring at his own hand in his lap until they reach the little shop. ))
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Hey, wait. Can you drop me at the store? I... there's something I think we should talk about.
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Yeah, sure. [There's definite apprehension written all over Horus, from his posture and expression to his face, but he doesn't say anything else other than:] I'll be in the car.
[And that's where he waits, idling and listening to music to try and still his nerves.]
cw: religious stuff, maybe a tad of internal homophobia, &c
I care about you, Horus. In a way that isn't wholly correct for a man who's made the vows I have. I don't want to stop feeling it, though.
(( He turns to look at Horus, an earnest expression on his face and no little amount of conflict in his eyes. ))
I don't want to stop how I feel, but I can't act it. What's the purpose of devotion if we can simply discard the strictures we come into conflict with? I want... I need for you to understand that this...
(( He unlocks his fingers long enough to make some vague sort of wave of his hand before folding them together once more in a white-knuckled grip. ))
Sacrificing what could be between us... it isn't easy. Knowing there's something between us, knowing there could be something more... Shutting down all of that possibility isn't easy for me. Even accepting it... My faith doesn't look completely favorably on love between people of the same sex. It looks even less favorably on having such feelings for more than one person...
(( Emmanuel lowers his eyes to his clenched hands, then returns to staring straight ahead. ))
Even if confessing this to you changes what's between us, even if it destroys it... Please know that I will cherish it, you, until my dying day.
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Emmanuel's feelings are hurting him, badly. The pain's written all over his face. But he values and cherishes them nonetheless, because... Horus is that important to him? He should feel happy, Horus knows that, but instead he feels like a ball and chain has been clamped to his heart. It's so much.
There's no real sign of how Horus is processing Emmanuel's words so far - he's also got his eyes fixed directly forward, hands resting on but not clenching the steering wheel, a slight furrow between his brows.
Then the other shoe drops.]
... more than one person?
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Emmanuel bows his head, letting his eyes fall closed to prepare for what he's sure will be the end of... whatever this is. There's no sense in being coy or untruthful about it. Horus is going to see the other person in question. It's bound to come out. ))
I've grown very close to Osiris, as well.
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The news hits him in a strange way - part of him thinks he should've known, but then he wonders how on earth he ever could've guessed that his dad would reciprocate those feelings, which he must if Emmanuel's bringing it to him as a similar situation. Sure, his parents haven't been exclusive for awhile, but Osiris has never shown any interest in exploring that freedom as far as Horus knows. Horus didn't even know Osiris was attracted to men.
And now he's attracted to Emmanuel? Romantically? Physically? And Emmanuel feels the same way? What does that mean, if he can't act on any of it?
Horus rubs his forehead with a rather harsh-sounding sigh.]
Wow. Uh... I guess I'm glad this can't turn into a competition. Have you - [Immediately, he thinks better of that question.] - no no, don't tell me anything else about it.
[Horus can't leave things at that, though. Emmanuel looks so, so terrified.]
I mean, you didn't really have to tell me at all. But you did. That's - I appreciate that.
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Hopefully Horus is still looking straight ahead when he starts to ask, but stops himself because Emmanuel clearly winces at the question he suspect is coming. ))
I don't want to lie to you, even by omission. You deserve my honesty. And... I don't want to come between you and Osiris. That's the last thing I want for either of you.
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[How does he say this without sounding fully deranged like Set? Because it's not jealousy or even envy that Horus feels toward his father, despite the insecurity that's currently eating him alive.]
- I don't know, he's probably better suited to. To this whole. Kinda thing. [Ugh, get it together, Horus! He hasn't even said anything about his own feelings, what is he doing? Emmanuel's gonna think Horus hates him or just wanted to fuck him all along!
It's the threat of that last one that finally gets Horus talking again.]
But... I hope you know it's not just. Not just a physical thing for me either. [And at last, he manages to look over at Emmanuel.]
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I know!
(( People have needs, sure, but he would never think of Horus as someone who would intentionally disrespect by pushing for something Emmanuel can't give. That's simply not the kind of person Emmanuel's come to know Horus to be. Of course he knows it's not just a physical thing! ))
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[The words come out as a rush of breath and Horus manages a thin smile.]
I'm really not great at talking about this sorta thing, but being more of an action type doesn't - really work here.
(phone tag)
Tentatively, he reaches across the car. Not to touch anything specifically, but with his palm up in offering. ))
It’s okay. We don’t have to say anything else about it right now if you don’t want.
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But the thing is, even Horus has a god's ability to be patient after his long, long life to date. As long as he still gets to spend time with Emmanuel and protect him, maybe he doesn't have to ask just yet... depending on what Osiris has to say, at least.]
Um, this is probably irrelevant, but I just want you to know - there's nothing serious between me and Sobek. Like, we're close as friends, but everything else is just... [Hoo boy, does he ever not want to trigger that memory for both of them again. Gotta choose the right words here.] ... well, it's not romantic, anyway.
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You don’t have to explain. I… I don’t want to deny you what you want or need. Especially those things that aren’t in power to give.
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He's down bad. And the thing that's just now hitting him?]
You really do like me a lot, huh?
[Not smug or even teasing. Horus is utterly awestruck. All he set out to do was thaw a bit of the frost in Emmanuel's personality and look at what's happened.]
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You seem surprised that I do.
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[Midway through that severe case of verbal diarrhea, it finally occurs to Horus that he might want to be embarrassed by how badly he wanted to win Emmanuel over early on. His voice trails off into silence and he looks away, his cheeks and ears turning red.]
... I guess what I mean is, I never really assume I know what's going on with you.
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I'm sorry for that. It isn't easy for me to open to others.
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[Horus looks down at their clasped hands, wondering if that's true of this new development. Is it worked out?]
And this whole thing is weird, but I'm not mad at you. For any of it.
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Horus can't help it. He bursts out laughing.]
Okay, yeah, it's way weirder for you. Holy shit. I'm not sorry you're here, but I'm so sorry we did this to your life.
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You didn't do this.
(( Set did this. His own God maybe? He's sure his blood really is cursed. ))
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I guess I just mean that I don't like the idea of making things any harder for you than they already are. [It's much the same sentiment Emmanuel shared with Osiris - Horus would just like for life and the world to be kinder to him.] But like I said, I'm no good at talking about this stuff.
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(( He gently squeezes Horus' hand as if that will somehow emphasize his point. ))
We should get going, then, shouldn't we?
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[He might've forgotten what they came out here for, if only for a moment.
Without sparing a single thought for the wisdom of such an act, Horus lifts Emmanuel's hand to his mouth and kisses the back of it lightly before letting go to start the car. At least Horus's attention will be on driving while Emmanuel reacts?]
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